My Mother-in-Law

Her name is Bonnie. I've known her for 14 years now. We've always gotten along pretty well and I would have told you that I liked her well enough. About a year ago something started to change. I realized I was seeing her differently -- that I had been gaining appreciation for her and seeing things in her that I had never noticed before. Let me indulge you about what I see...

She has faith - beautiful, simple, vulnerable faith. And she looks for God around her every day. She sees herself in a humble light. She has 2 great sons and if you ask her to tell you how she parented them and how come they're so good...she just says "I spent time with them and told them I loved them." She's never had a lot of money and it's of very little consequence to her. She saves her money to vacation right on the beach -- not a block away -- the condo needs to be just feet from the water. Because she wants to hear the sound of the waves. (I was raised in a family that would have said that was a silly waste of money... we can just stay a couple blocks off the beach and walk there.) She goes and serves communion at nursing homes because she believes that those folks shouldn't be cut off from experiencing something that God has commanded us to do.

I used to see all these things differently... here's what I used to see: a woman who was simple to a fault. I would have told you that she hadn't really experienced life. She lived in the same house her entire adult life...from 20 - 50 years old. She wasn't well-traveled or well-read. I might have chocked up her 2 sons to luck or their natural good tempers. I used to think that she loved the rituals in the Catholic church and the virgin Mary because she had to or because someone else told her that was the right thing to do. I never would have thought she sought God in a real way. In my up-bringing she had not much to look up to... not much of value... she had no big life experiences; hadn't seen the world, hadn't read the Classics.

As I've gotten to know God I've realized that "my foolish heart was darkened" - that my pride was making the things of God look bad or wrong. What I've realized is that the exact things that are most like the Lord in her are the ones I criticized so self-righteously just 3 or 4 years ago...

Boredom is pride

I've asked God to answer some questions I had about boredom. Boredom is a strange thing. My experiences lately with it have caused me to deeply question God about what the spiritual roots of boredom really are. Since I've quit working I have had days or hours or just moments when boredom would wash over me. I truly didn't know where it came from or what it even really was. It was not a lack of activity. With 2 kids at home there is never a lack of activity or need in our home for me to be caring for someone or something.

I was shocked when God started showing me Pride as an answer to that question. The closest I can come to a description of boredom inside me is a numbness of spirit that spirals into some good old-fashioned self-pity. Nothing seems good enough to hold my attention, inspire me, stimulate me; nothing is worthy of me at that moment.

Now try this definition of boredom: "self stuffed with self." And now read my last statement again. It's all about me. Mememememe. I read that definition in a book that I think God pointed me towards for the sole purpose of reading that statement. I had no clue what it meant. I've been so blind to the pride in me that causes boredom that I was baffled by that definition. But it just wouldn't go away...I just kept turning it over again and again in my mind for weeks. I knew it was something I needed to wrestle with. Then (as you may have read in a previous post) I got interested in pride. (God is funny...sometimes I think He's showing me things just to teach me like I'm enrolled in a course of study just for my amusement or just for my knowledge. No. It never works that way. Whatever God is saying to me is for me). But pride is a funny thing. Pride blinds you to your own pride. And, in my case, confounded me about the pride causing bouts with boredom.

Boredom is a total preoccupation with myself. I'm so focused on me and what I need and what I want and what would fill me, teach me, entertain me, inspire me -- whatever -- that I lose any sense of others. I go down into the hole of self-pity. Don't I deserve to be 100% intellectually, spiritually and emotionally stimulated all the time? And when I don't feel that way, shouldn't God be fixing that for me? Um... no. But if I followed my own boredom thoughts, that's where it would take me: to a place where Alli gets to be at the center. It's at that very moment that I need to pour myself out more than any other. At the moment I most want something for ME is the moment I most need to get rid of myself, get over myself.

The thing that usually quickly follows these thoughts is shame. Because I am staying home with my kids. We aren't talking about a job, a meeting or a boss that is boring me...I'm talking about my life caring for my 2 beautiful little boys. Shame tells me that I should be completely fulfilled by my kids and if I don't feel that way I should never ever expose that to anyone or I'm a terrible mother. So I'd just keep quiet and beat myself up a bit. And then resolve never to think that way again.

This is all wrong. God is always yearning to be at the center of my life - not me and not my kids. And all this nonsense about boredom is just uncovering places where I still put myself at the center. I'm prideful enough to believe that I'm too good to find contentment in such quiet, simple things as making macaroni and cheese and doing the laundry. My contentment is still conditional on whether I have ample time to feel challenged, feel like I'm learning new things or have time to explore my own interests. It's my pride that thinks I need these things. It's pride that tells me I should have more and expect more - because, after all, am I not pretty great?! And once the translator of pride is in the mix, then everything becomes about me. I can't see others. I can't see God.

So, I'm asking Him to change my view, my heart, my mind...whatever He needs to in order to make me fully humble. I ask Him to stamp out all pride in me. I ask Him to make Himself the only thing that defines me and makes me content.

When I feel bored now at least I know that I am full of me and that pride is telling me how to think about my life at those moments. I disagree with this and need God's help to get totally free of it. He is faithful and I know He answers prayers asking for humility. That's what I want. God - make me humble. God - give me unconditional contentment in You. God - help me to aggressively give myself away to others at the moments when pride trying to talk to me.

"Obey the circumstances"

Today I was thinking of this idea as I was doing my hair. My hair is kind-of wavy and kind-of straight. The 'kind-of' part often depends on the shampoo, amount of conditioner, type of mousse, distance from the last hair-cut or even the weather. I would venture to say that my hair never looks the same way twice. And today was particularly bad... I got tossed the curve-ball of frizz. So here I am drying my hair and thinking to myself...I can either battle my hair with a flat-iron or I can just go with it: puffy and frizzy. "Obey the circumstances," I heard.

I first encountered that phrase when someone recounted the strategy of Napoleon and how he conquered so many territories. I guess he said he simply "obeyed the circumstances" instead of fighting against them. I suppose by that he meant the condition of his armies, the training and strengths of his commanders, the position and mindset of the enemy. Probably even his own ability to motivate and lead at any given point. Obeying the circumstances probably meant never getting married to any battle plan too far ahead of the battle.

So, for me this morning, that meant going for the puff and wave. No fighting with the flat-iron (did I unplug it?).

I felt instantly that God jumped on the back of this thought of mine and said "yes - that's how you deal with my Spirit." Consider the position of the enemy, honestly evaluate your own condition and just give to me what you have at the moment. And obey the spiritual circumstances.... don't control them, don't manipulate them and don't waste time trying to change things that you can't change...just consult me moment-by-moment for the game plan. And, most importantly, follow me. Obey the circumstances you have in front of you.

For me this phrase encompasses so many spiritual ideas and learnings that I have had in trying to follow Jesus in a clumsy day-by-day way. I have felt a lot of frustration lately because sometimes I wonder what I'm doing all holed-up here in my house with my 2 year old and breastfeeding a newborn baby. And I forget to obey my own circumstances. The simple truth is that I cannot commit to very many things absolutely, I don't see very many people and I have only small windows of time alone. And those don't even come every day. My former way of relating to God and relating to my community just hasn't worked as well lately. I have forgotten to obey my circumstances.

I'm still learning what this looks like right now... for sure it means being spontaneous - grabbing solitude where it's available, grabbing play-dates when they're available and being vigilant about searching for ways to be in community. My days are like my hair: they look different every day. It's forced me to drop the identity of being the "flexible friend" - the one who can always come to you, never imposes, never asks for anything. And instead it's teaching me about a piece of real friendship I've never been very good at: saying what I really need and receiving more from others.

I have a God-story about my hair that I'll write some other time. In the past it's been a big part of how I defined my femininity and a source of pain. Seriously. But today -- I suppose God is even redeeming that... the time I spent blow-drying my hair was enough to have a conversation with him about Napoleon, the Holy Spirit, friendship and frizz. As David Valentine would say "sweet, yo."

Pride

I've been thinking and hearing a lot about pride lately. I've been reading the book of Proverbs daily as well as skimming back through The Final Quest. Two things have really caught my eye about pride: 1) pride causes blindness and misinterpretation. I'm getting that the only way I can ever hope to see things as they really are is through the lens of humility. And just when I think I'm humble and seeing something clearly - BAM - there's more pride showing itself through blind spots I didn't know I had. Humility has more levels down that I ever thought.

And 2) I think we fight off pride by submitting ourselves to community. Interesting that the smarter, more learned, more studied, wiser we want to be the more we must submit ourselves to other people in community. And how opposite that is from what it would seem! The way of the world is to hoist up anyone who appears smart or wise onto a pedastal and isolate them. Does this effectively destroy any real wisdom by giving a way in for pride?

My dad's continual advice to one of my brothers was to "keep a low profile." He wasn't very good at that (my brother; not my dad). That advice seems to leave some breathing room for wisdom to settle in. I also think of the scripture (maybe in 1 Timothy?) that encourages us to make it our ambition to lead a quiet life...or something like that. When does God give people a big stage? Is that ever God?

Just as I was sitting here typing I realized that I've been particularly enthralled with Pride & Prejudice lately. Period stuff really gets me going. I may not be a woman well-versed in pop culture, but give me some good period films and books and I'm IN. I've watched pieces and parts of this movie so many times over the past 3 weeks. Why do I love it so much? If you're a fan -- tell me, please -- why do I love it so much? And does it have anything to do with this pride stuff? I learned that the first title of that book was actually "First Impressions." This goes back directly to my comment above... the only correct lens to view something is through humility. And aren't most (fleshly) first impressions infused with pride and therefore highly subject to blindness and mistake?

What am I doing with a blog???

Anyone who knows me knows that this is a breakthrough moment in my life. A blog. Alli Patterson...no way. I am surprised I've made it this far into the technology world. But this seems to be the best way to just write (I type faster than I print). And I have to write. I've spent 12 years believing the lie that writing isn't important, that it's a waste of my time and that no one cares what I have to say. So the last part might be true but the first two certainly are not. Boy, this feels good. I just need to Get it Out. Get what out? You'll see. And I guess I will too.