Something was missing...

And it was you. (Or at least some of you!) I told Bill on the drive up to Columbus that I was realizing the thing that was missing from my Christmas Day was my friends; my community. Our biological family is very nice. The gifts I got were kind and thoughtful. And they both mean a lot to me.

But I missed that childhood excitement. And I realized on our drive what brings that to my heart: it's my friends. The anticipation, the energy, that "Christmas spirit" everyone talks about...well, for me, at least right now: it's my friends who move my heart like that. And you were missing on my Christmas. And I missed you.

I had a dream on Christmas Eve that me and Bill were with the Russells, the Manuels and many other (although unnamed in the the dream) friends and couples. In the dream Steven said (with a 'duh - of course' tone to his voice) that we were all, of course, going to have a family dinner. Bill and I said we thought we could make it if it was early enough for the kids. The Russells couldn't make it. And the only other thing I saw was the table being set with a feast.

So that Christmas dinner was missing from my Christmas. And a piece of my heart with it.

Here's a few of you in moments that wouldn't have happened without friends...

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday we went to the Crossroads Christmas Eve service. It was awesome. It has been a highlight of Christmas for me. The music was moving and spectacular - songs, choir, etc. (and great to hear Steven singing again). The sensitivity with which Keri's accident was handled was touching to tears for a lot of people in the room. I guess Jesus really is at home in our mess.
We especially loved the snow at the end. You might say it's cliche but it wasn't your kid running up the aisle twirling in it and reaching for it. Tears again. Great time we had.
Merry Christmas!!

And also: I want a photo booth in the atrium every week!

My Friend, Amy

Those of you who know me from Cincinnati probably don't know my friend Amy Riep. I want you to meet her. Because I want everyone to meet her. Amy is my oldest and dearest friend. She and I grew up 2 doors apart and spent our childhood running across the Trimble's front yard to ring each other's doorbell. Our families moved onto the street about 6 months apart when we were 6 years old. That makes this a 25 year friendship. Wow. I like to imagine that our friendship might be the biggest reason that God steered both our families into the homes (where both sets of parents still live). Who knows but it's a nice thought. Here's a few reasons why I love her:

• Amy brought me to Jesus with her friendship. She wasn't there the moment I made that decision to receive Him but if not for her I would never have come to know Him so early in my life (16 yrs old).


• Amy gave me "The Alli Simpkins Bible" (as it is affectionately called for my maiden name embossed on the front cover). The spot I learned that I loved God's words.


• Amy is hilarious: witty, self-deprecating, with the most infectious laugh.


• Amy is honest and completely authentic - no pretense.


• Amy continues to feel familiar to me even after sometimes a year or longer of not seeing each other (when she decides to move to South Africa every now and then). This familiarity is GOD in her...she is always pursuing God and so am I. That keeps our friendship in Him and not completely dependent upon time/space/location.


• Amy is wise.


• Amy has huge faith.


• Amy has encouraged me at the most important times: I remember the phone call when I told her I was leaving P&G to go to work at Crossroads. She later told me it was a moment she knew I had given up pursuing the path of the world. I've never forgotten these words.

For Christmas I wish you all could receive the gift of Amy. But, alas, her blog will have to do: Expectant & Beyond (on my list to the left)...check it out sometime.

(And yes - that picture was taken almost 3 years ago...)

Rejection

I'm thinking about how "rejection" works in my life and others' lives. When I say rejection I mean something internal that happens when you feel that you've been rejected by another person or when you reject someone else: I'd call either one of those a way "rejection" works in our lives.

Yesterday, I saw 2 instances of rejection at work: me feeling rejected by someone and then, later, someone else feeling rejected by me. So -- I guess you could say "rejection" was hanging around me yesterday. (Ironically, if you checked out my Facebook status from yesterday afternoon, it would say "Alli really wishes she were with her friends right now"). So I find it fascinating that a spirit of rejection would be at work on me when I most wanted to be in community with others.

The instance when I felt rejected, I felt really stupid. And then I felt self-blame; like I never should have reached out to them to begin with -- like it was my fault, as though I had done something wrong by trying to engage. I felt naive and ridiculous to think I'd have been received. I wanted to agree I'd never reach out to them again. I felt tempted to completely write off this relationship at that very moment. Yes - that's dramatic...I'm just telling you what went through my head. I think on some level I was tempted to make those agreements just to make myself feel better. I'll just run away and hide. And maybe we just won't be friends anymore so I don't ever have to face the fact that you rejected me.

The instance when someone felt rejected by me, I was totally surprised! I had no idea that was happening and it really made me realize how ignorant I can be to the spiritual things going on around me. I think the spirit of rejection working around me that day found my friend's soft spot of (past) rejection and thought "hey - this is good: i'll just push these 2 people further apart." Luckily, my friend was honest enough to speak it out. Rejection lies to us about someone else's motives... "they're doing that because they don't like you or they don't want to be with you."

Anytime we speak out what we see happening in the spiritual realm (good or bad), we create things that weren't there before. When my friend spoke out loud about rejection, it probably took root somewhere in my spirit and resonated. And today I've realized - hey rejection was just ON me yesterday. That's not my fault but I sure can do something about it.

So here you go, spirit of rejection:
Father - I repent of welcoming and partnering with a spirit of rejection. I take responsibility for entertaining and giving value to the thoughts that rejection put in my head. I don't know what makes me vulnerable to rejection, but I ask you to free me from it. In the name of Jesus, I renounce any agreements I made about my friendships or relationships under the influence of rejection. I know I am received by you and therefore, I am received fully. I know that because of that, I am free to engage in all my friendships without the burden of trying to gain approval and acceptance from them. Because I have it from you. Thanks for that.

The desire of my heart...is a snowman towel?

Last week I was at Kelly's house, and I noticed her cute, new snowman kitchen towels. And I recalled the 2 or 3 times lately I had passed similar towels in Target and wanted them. I'm not really sure why I didn't buy them. But I didn't. They're not that expensive but I just felt some kind of resistence to buying them for myself. I did think several times after that (as I looked at the same kitchen towels I've had since my wedding almost 10 years ago) - 'man, I'd like some cute towels.'
Today I received these snowman towels as a gift from my friend, Lora. As soon as I opened them I heard God say to me "See - I knew you wanted them. I just wanted to be the one to give them." Even when I CAN provide for myself, it's feels so much better when it's from Him.

What time is it?

Time is a funny thing. When I first think of it, I think of a clock and the hours in a day. But I wonder how God thinks of time? I got curious and looked up a bunch of scripture trying to find references to time or the use of time or the priorities around time. And guess what I found? Nothing. I sure did find the word "time" a lot but it was mostly in reference to seasons/eras/years or even "the right time" as directed by the Holy Spirit. But nothing encouraging us or even mentioning the usefulness of time on a clock. Now I do realize that clocks as we know them had yet to be invented, but I still figured (as living and timeless word) that I would be able to read about the Lord valuing time in some fashion as the day goes by.

Interestingly, the clock was first used for this (according to sources on wikipedia) "Medieval religious institutions required clocks to measure and indicate the passing of time because, for many centuries, daily prayer and work schedules had to be strictly regulated."

Is a clock a key device of the enemy? To focus us on what's being lost or what's yet to be? To have us in a state of hurry or a state of regret? Could a clock be a partner of the Religious Spirit? With origins like that quote above, I sure do question that.

But what I found in scripture I would characterize with the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. (sing it with me now)...a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace...." then it goes on to say this "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

So I'm considering whether it's wisest, instead of watching clocks that we, instead, ask the Lord what time it is? I asked him this morning what season I'm in and he used that passage to tell me that I'm in a season of birth, planting, laughter and dancing and a season of speaking. I'm not yet sure what all these things mean but I know these things don't take place by the clock...they evolve as I follow the Lord and allow time to pass...sometimes unnoticed.

Birth, Laughter, Dancing, Planting....

I am usually very big on being careful with time and disciplined about how it's used each day. And there is wisdom in that as scripture does encourage us always to be faithful with our resources, our work, be persistent and prudent, etc. But I can so often get caught up in the day's work that I forget to ask God "what season am I in?" and, therefore, discard the clock whenever necessary.

Why do you blog?

So I'm struggling with whether to actually blog or not. I just keep thinking that a blog should have a POINT...to keep in touch with distant relatives, to share some specific topic with others who care (thinking of an attorney-friend's "tax issues" blog). I love to write. Always have. There's something appealing about this but I don't quite know what it is. And I can't quite bring myself to commit to it. My original idea was just to write to GET OUT what was inside me that didn't have another outlet. But why can't I just write it on a piece of paper -- why is blogging different? Is it the community experience of sharing a blog? Ultimately, I don't want to be some blow-hard who just wants others to hear me talk (or write, in this case). So -- for you few who I'll send this link to: here's the question -

Why do you blog?

PS - Doesn't the red haired girl look like she's pondering "to blog or not to blog?"

Moms Know Things

Moms know things that other people don't. Sometimes God will speak to me in these weird moments of mothering where I feel Him saying "yep - that's how you should be with me." It seems something that comes with giving yourself fully over to the process of motherhood is that you begin to gain astounding new insights about what's it's like to be in relationship to God. Moments with your children are actually teaching your heart how to be a child with God.

This is a picture of me and Andrew at the Blue Manatee "Music Time with Miss Megan." We get 30 minutes to sing, dance and have some fun together (when I'm not chasing down Luke who is crawling away and pulling books off the shelf!). This was a moment when God just spoke to my heart and said "dancing - YES - let's do that." From the outside I probably look like an ass but inside I'm enjoying the excuse to dance around with a scarf and jingle bells.
A few of my friends have noted that I spend more time on-the-floor-playing with my boys. I am not sure exactly why I do this more than most except that something happens when I just give myself over to it... I enjoy myself and they enjoy me.
Many timesI find myself trying to grab at any time I have to be alone instead of realizing that I get to be with them. Yes, sometimes play-time isn't fun at all and I have other things I want to do. Yes, I want to have my own space and time. But No, I've never gotten to the end of my day and thought "I wish I hadn't played with them so much today."
I think a God of infinite time would spend as much time as we wanted to spend with him dancing around with scarves and jingle bells. Feel free to try this in your living room: let me know how it goes.

God is stirring

I feel like something is brewing in me. I think God is stirring up dreams. I have this feeling inside that I can only describe as "bigness" that is dying to come out. It's the knowledge that I'm destined for something great - something huge, wonderful and special. Something that God has carved out just for me.
The last 2 days I've been thinking about 2 particular dreams I have: to work with prisoners and to offer grace and restoration to women who have had abortions. Now I have never been in prison and never had an abortion...so sometimes I wonder; why these? But nevertheless, I must confess - especially the prisoner dream is heavy on my heart right now. I began searching around online trying to find someone or something that is close to this dream that maybe I could "join" or at least join-in-with. So far: no luck. Could it be that God is stirring up something unique in me?
I think about all the "givens" in my life: the absolutes - the things that I am committed to with my whole heart and they begin to sound like barriers to other dreams coming true. I repent of believing the lie that God cannot, will not or doesn't want to do something glorious, beautiful, big, unique and earth-shattering with my life and my dreams.
What I mean by givens is this: I am married and 100% committed first and foremost to my husband: to respecting him, loving him and serving him. I have 2 children: Andrew and Luke. I am committed to be a mother. I am only beginning to discover all the things that really means. And it changes all the time. Sometimes I'm tempted to believe that this dream of motherhood (a dream that God placed in me, I believe) is the only dream I am allotted for my life. And that I'm selfish or broken or restless if I have any other dreams. I'm sick of second-guessing this so until further notice by God: I reject this thinking and say that God has LOTS of dreams for me and being a mother and these dreams are NOT mutually exclusive.

"God I want your dreams to come true in me. I submit my life to you bringing your dreams to life in me." The dreams of God probably look a lot like: friendship, love, grace, compassion, renewal, restoration, reconciliation and forgiveness. I hope He is continually deepening in me the desire to live these dreams out for my family, my friends, my community and all the people chosen by God at the foundations of the earth.

I care deeply about people receiving freedom from grace. Freedom from their pasts. Freedom from shame. Freedom from the version of themselves that Satan has encouraged them to buy into for years or for a whole lifetime. I believe it is never to late to free someone from these things. This is my dream. And I love being a mom so I care about mothers receiving freedom from children they rejected and I care deeply about prisoners receiving freedom from the shame and patterns that have defined their lives and landed them in jail. I know what it feels like to be in the jail of shame; to have your real self, your life, your relationships and every moment of your day defined by an all-encompassing, devastating shame. I don't want anyone spending one more minute being shut down by shame. And I'm guessing that the Lord put in me to care for mothers and prisoners because there's a whole lot of shame in the choices of a mother who has had an abortion and a prisoner who's had to make at least one choice they're ashamed of. We can be done paying for our sins with shame. That's a currency that's unacceptable to God. Shame is bullshit. The only thing that God accepts for currency for our sin is His Son Jesus. The Good News is that He is alive and we can hide in Him and find rest, peace and a shame-free, Godly existence... no matter what our past. Now THAT'S some good news worth sharing.
And I want all the moms and prisoners that the Lord puts on my heart to know that there is a new version of them waiting - a free one, a good one, a pure one, a loving/loveable/loved one and especially one that is totally and completely freed from the shame of their past mistakes.

My Mother-in-Law

Her name is Bonnie. I've known her for 14 years now. We've always gotten along pretty well and I would have told you that I liked her well enough. About a year ago something started to change. I realized I was seeing her differently -- that I had been gaining appreciation for her and seeing things in her that I had never noticed before. Let me indulge you about what I see...

She has faith - beautiful, simple, vulnerable faith. And she looks for God around her every day. She sees herself in a humble light. She has 2 great sons and if you ask her to tell you how she parented them and how come they're so good...she just says "I spent time with them and told them I loved them." She's never had a lot of money and it's of very little consequence to her. She saves her money to vacation right on the beach -- not a block away -- the condo needs to be just feet from the water. Because she wants to hear the sound of the waves. (I was raised in a family that would have said that was a silly waste of money... we can just stay a couple blocks off the beach and walk there.) She goes and serves communion at nursing homes because she believes that those folks shouldn't be cut off from experiencing something that God has commanded us to do.

I used to see all these things differently... here's what I used to see: a woman who was simple to a fault. I would have told you that she hadn't really experienced life. She lived in the same house her entire adult life...from 20 - 50 years old. She wasn't well-traveled or well-read. I might have chocked up her 2 sons to luck or their natural good tempers. I used to think that she loved the rituals in the Catholic church and the virgin Mary because she had to or because someone else told her that was the right thing to do. I never would have thought she sought God in a real way. In my up-bringing she had not much to look up to... not much of value... she had no big life experiences; hadn't seen the world, hadn't read the Classics.

As I've gotten to know God I've realized that "my foolish heart was darkened" - that my pride was making the things of God look bad or wrong. What I've realized is that the exact things that are most like the Lord in her are the ones I criticized so self-righteously just 3 or 4 years ago...

Boredom is pride

I've asked God to answer some questions I had about boredom. Boredom is a strange thing. My experiences lately with it have caused me to deeply question God about what the spiritual roots of boredom really are. Since I've quit working I have had days or hours or just moments when boredom would wash over me. I truly didn't know where it came from or what it even really was. It was not a lack of activity. With 2 kids at home there is never a lack of activity or need in our home for me to be caring for someone or something.

I was shocked when God started showing me Pride as an answer to that question. The closest I can come to a description of boredom inside me is a numbness of spirit that spirals into some good old-fashioned self-pity. Nothing seems good enough to hold my attention, inspire me, stimulate me; nothing is worthy of me at that moment.

Now try this definition of boredom: "self stuffed with self." And now read my last statement again. It's all about me. Mememememe. I read that definition in a book that I think God pointed me towards for the sole purpose of reading that statement. I had no clue what it meant. I've been so blind to the pride in me that causes boredom that I was baffled by that definition. But it just wouldn't go away...I just kept turning it over again and again in my mind for weeks. I knew it was something I needed to wrestle with. Then (as you may have read in a previous post) I got interested in pride. (God is funny...sometimes I think He's showing me things just to teach me like I'm enrolled in a course of study just for my amusement or just for my knowledge. No. It never works that way. Whatever God is saying to me is for me). But pride is a funny thing. Pride blinds you to your own pride. And, in my case, confounded me about the pride causing bouts with boredom.

Boredom is a total preoccupation with myself. I'm so focused on me and what I need and what I want and what would fill me, teach me, entertain me, inspire me -- whatever -- that I lose any sense of others. I go down into the hole of self-pity. Don't I deserve to be 100% intellectually, spiritually and emotionally stimulated all the time? And when I don't feel that way, shouldn't God be fixing that for me? Um... no. But if I followed my own boredom thoughts, that's where it would take me: to a place where Alli gets to be at the center. It's at that very moment that I need to pour myself out more than any other. At the moment I most want something for ME is the moment I most need to get rid of myself, get over myself.

The thing that usually quickly follows these thoughts is shame. Because I am staying home with my kids. We aren't talking about a job, a meeting or a boss that is boring me...I'm talking about my life caring for my 2 beautiful little boys. Shame tells me that I should be completely fulfilled by my kids and if I don't feel that way I should never ever expose that to anyone or I'm a terrible mother. So I'd just keep quiet and beat myself up a bit. And then resolve never to think that way again.

This is all wrong. God is always yearning to be at the center of my life - not me and not my kids. And all this nonsense about boredom is just uncovering places where I still put myself at the center. I'm prideful enough to believe that I'm too good to find contentment in such quiet, simple things as making macaroni and cheese and doing the laundry. My contentment is still conditional on whether I have ample time to feel challenged, feel like I'm learning new things or have time to explore my own interests. It's my pride that thinks I need these things. It's pride that tells me I should have more and expect more - because, after all, am I not pretty great?! And once the translator of pride is in the mix, then everything becomes about me. I can't see others. I can't see God.

So, I'm asking Him to change my view, my heart, my mind...whatever He needs to in order to make me fully humble. I ask Him to stamp out all pride in me. I ask Him to make Himself the only thing that defines me and makes me content.

When I feel bored now at least I know that I am full of me and that pride is telling me how to think about my life at those moments. I disagree with this and need God's help to get totally free of it. He is faithful and I know He answers prayers asking for humility. That's what I want. God - make me humble. God - give me unconditional contentment in You. God - help me to aggressively give myself away to others at the moments when pride trying to talk to me.

"Obey the circumstances"

Today I was thinking of this idea as I was doing my hair. My hair is kind-of wavy and kind-of straight. The 'kind-of' part often depends on the shampoo, amount of conditioner, type of mousse, distance from the last hair-cut or even the weather. I would venture to say that my hair never looks the same way twice. And today was particularly bad... I got tossed the curve-ball of frizz. So here I am drying my hair and thinking to myself...I can either battle my hair with a flat-iron or I can just go with it: puffy and frizzy. "Obey the circumstances," I heard.

I first encountered that phrase when someone recounted the strategy of Napoleon and how he conquered so many territories. I guess he said he simply "obeyed the circumstances" instead of fighting against them. I suppose by that he meant the condition of his armies, the training and strengths of his commanders, the position and mindset of the enemy. Probably even his own ability to motivate and lead at any given point. Obeying the circumstances probably meant never getting married to any battle plan too far ahead of the battle.

So, for me this morning, that meant going for the puff and wave. No fighting with the flat-iron (did I unplug it?).

I felt instantly that God jumped on the back of this thought of mine and said "yes - that's how you deal with my Spirit." Consider the position of the enemy, honestly evaluate your own condition and just give to me what you have at the moment. And obey the spiritual circumstances.... don't control them, don't manipulate them and don't waste time trying to change things that you can't change...just consult me moment-by-moment for the game plan. And, most importantly, follow me. Obey the circumstances you have in front of you.

For me this phrase encompasses so many spiritual ideas and learnings that I have had in trying to follow Jesus in a clumsy day-by-day way. I have felt a lot of frustration lately because sometimes I wonder what I'm doing all holed-up here in my house with my 2 year old and breastfeeding a newborn baby. And I forget to obey my own circumstances. The simple truth is that I cannot commit to very many things absolutely, I don't see very many people and I have only small windows of time alone. And those don't even come every day. My former way of relating to God and relating to my community just hasn't worked as well lately. I have forgotten to obey my circumstances.

I'm still learning what this looks like right now... for sure it means being spontaneous - grabbing solitude where it's available, grabbing play-dates when they're available and being vigilant about searching for ways to be in community. My days are like my hair: they look different every day. It's forced me to drop the identity of being the "flexible friend" - the one who can always come to you, never imposes, never asks for anything. And instead it's teaching me about a piece of real friendship I've never been very good at: saying what I really need and receiving more from others.

I have a God-story about my hair that I'll write some other time. In the past it's been a big part of how I defined my femininity and a source of pain. Seriously. But today -- I suppose God is even redeeming that... the time I spent blow-drying my hair was enough to have a conversation with him about Napoleon, the Holy Spirit, friendship and frizz. As David Valentine would say "sweet, yo."

Pride

I've been thinking and hearing a lot about pride lately. I've been reading the book of Proverbs daily as well as skimming back through The Final Quest. Two things have really caught my eye about pride: 1) pride causes blindness and misinterpretation. I'm getting that the only way I can ever hope to see things as they really are is through the lens of humility. And just when I think I'm humble and seeing something clearly - BAM - there's more pride showing itself through blind spots I didn't know I had. Humility has more levels down that I ever thought.

And 2) I think we fight off pride by submitting ourselves to community. Interesting that the smarter, more learned, more studied, wiser we want to be the more we must submit ourselves to other people in community. And how opposite that is from what it would seem! The way of the world is to hoist up anyone who appears smart or wise onto a pedastal and isolate them. Does this effectively destroy any real wisdom by giving a way in for pride?

My dad's continual advice to one of my brothers was to "keep a low profile." He wasn't very good at that (my brother; not my dad). That advice seems to leave some breathing room for wisdom to settle in. I also think of the scripture (maybe in 1 Timothy?) that encourages us to make it our ambition to lead a quiet life...or something like that. When does God give people a big stage? Is that ever God?

Just as I was sitting here typing I realized that I've been particularly enthralled with Pride & Prejudice lately. Period stuff really gets me going. I may not be a woman well-versed in pop culture, but give me some good period films and books and I'm IN. I've watched pieces and parts of this movie so many times over the past 3 weeks. Why do I love it so much? If you're a fan -- tell me, please -- why do I love it so much? And does it have anything to do with this pride stuff? I learned that the first title of that book was actually "First Impressions." This goes back directly to my comment above... the only correct lens to view something is through humility. And aren't most (fleshly) first impressions infused with pride and therefore highly subject to blindness and mistake?

What am I doing with a blog???

Anyone who knows me knows that this is a breakthrough moment in my life. A blog. Alli Patterson...no way. I am surprised I've made it this far into the technology world. But this seems to be the best way to just write (I type faster than I print). And I have to write. I've spent 12 years believing the lie that writing isn't important, that it's a waste of my time and that no one cares what I have to say. So the last part might be true but the first two certainly are not. Boy, this feels good. I just need to Get it Out. Get what out? You'll see. And I guess I will too.