Boredom is pride

I've asked God to answer some questions I had about boredom. Boredom is a strange thing. My experiences lately with it have caused me to deeply question God about what the spiritual roots of boredom really are. Since I've quit working I have had days or hours or just moments when boredom would wash over me. I truly didn't know where it came from or what it even really was. It was not a lack of activity. With 2 kids at home there is never a lack of activity or need in our home for me to be caring for someone or something.

I was shocked when God started showing me Pride as an answer to that question. The closest I can come to a description of boredom inside me is a numbness of spirit that spirals into some good old-fashioned self-pity. Nothing seems good enough to hold my attention, inspire me, stimulate me; nothing is worthy of me at that moment.

Now try this definition of boredom: "self stuffed with self." And now read my last statement again. It's all about me. Mememememe. I read that definition in a book that I think God pointed me towards for the sole purpose of reading that statement. I had no clue what it meant. I've been so blind to the pride in me that causes boredom that I was baffled by that definition. But it just wouldn't go away...I just kept turning it over again and again in my mind for weeks. I knew it was something I needed to wrestle with. Then (as you may have read in a previous post) I got interested in pride. (God is funny...sometimes I think He's showing me things just to teach me like I'm enrolled in a course of study just for my amusement or just for my knowledge. No. It never works that way. Whatever God is saying to me is for me). But pride is a funny thing. Pride blinds you to your own pride. And, in my case, confounded me about the pride causing bouts with boredom.

Boredom is a total preoccupation with myself. I'm so focused on me and what I need and what I want and what would fill me, teach me, entertain me, inspire me -- whatever -- that I lose any sense of others. I go down into the hole of self-pity. Don't I deserve to be 100% intellectually, spiritually and emotionally stimulated all the time? And when I don't feel that way, shouldn't God be fixing that for me? Um... no. But if I followed my own boredom thoughts, that's where it would take me: to a place where Alli gets to be at the center. It's at that very moment that I need to pour myself out more than any other. At the moment I most want something for ME is the moment I most need to get rid of myself, get over myself.

The thing that usually quickly follows these thoughts is shame. Because I am staying home with my kids. We aren't talking about a job, a meeting or a boss that is boring me...I'm talking about my life caring for my 2 beautiful little boys. Shame tells me that I should be completely fulfilled by my kids and if I don't feel that way I should never ever expose that to anyone or I'm a terrible mother. So I'd just keep quiet and beat myself up a bit. And then resolve never to think that way again.

This is all wrong. God is always yearning to be at the center of my life - not me and not my kids. And all this nonsense about boredom is just uncovering places where I still put myself at the center. I'm prideful enough to believe that I'm too good to find contentment in such quiet, simple things as making macaroni and cheese and doing the laundry. My contentment is still conditional on whether I have ample time to feel challenged, feel like I'm learning new things or have time to explore my own interests. It's my pride that thinks I need these things. It's pride that tells me I should have more and expect more - because, after all, am I not pretty great?! And once the translator of pride is in the mix, then everything becomes about me. I can't see others. I can't see God.

So, I'm asking Him to change my view, my heart, my mind...whatever He needs to in order to make me fully humble. I ask Him to stamp out all pride in me. I ask Him to make Himself the only thing that defines me and makes me content.

When I feel bored now at least I know that I am full of me and that pride is telling me how to think about my life at those moments. I disagree with this and need God's help to get totally free of it. He is faithful and I know He answers prayers asking for humility. That's what I want. God - make me humble. God - give me unconditional contentment in You. God - help me to aggressively give myself away to others at the moments when pride trying to talk to me.