Being 'Mom'

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I felt very celebrated by Bill and the kids. The day began with a relaxing bubble bath while the boys' went to get me Bruegger's bagels for breakfast. Then I got an orchid from each son (white from Luke, purple from Andrew) and beautiful earrings from Bill. Andrew also made me a keychain at school. Then Bill topped it off with a dinner out for the 2 of us last night. Dates are few and far-between right now so that was very special.

We also had a celebration with friends the night before: BFD - breakfast for dinner...done by all the men; complete with flowers for all 3 moms and personalized cards with quotes from our kids (thanks to the talented David Valentine!). Kelly, Lori and I sat in the living room on baby-duty while the big kids played and the dads made dinner. I think we actually completed at least one conversation.

All this luxurious celebration made me feel so grateful and loved. And I certainly spent the days thinking of all the amazing things it means to be a mother. I love my kids fiercely. Nothing I've ever done has changed me more than becoming a mom. Each time. And the cumulative effect of 3 children has left me softer, more patient, less concerned about my own rights, more able to love and be loved, much more willing to live in-the-moment and above all else, much closer to God and to Bill.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to rewind and not have my babies. Impossible. I have many moments where it brings out my flaws in living-color and leaves me with dirty hands or jeans, frustrated, disappointed or beating myself up for losing it over a little thing.
But overall, this process of being a mom is saving me. As my friend Steven once said...I should thank God for saving "my blind lost ass" and for saving me again and again through the process of being a mother. I am saved from my selfishness, my ambition, my fears, my self-hatred, my tendency to desire isolation, my insecurities, my difficulty receiving affection and a desire to control my own life. Any or all of these things would lead to my destruction if left unattended.

But being a mom creates situations every day that make it impossible for me to stand still in these things... 3 little people that God has brought to me to love, shepherd and nuture. Three little people who need me to love, to find community, to give and get hugs and kisses, to like myself, to give up my own plans. And my fierce love for them drives me directly into the heart of all the crap (listed above) with a pure motivation not to put it on them: to be free to just love them and ENJOY them. God won't let me be happy with less than that.
Like I said...being a mom is saving me over and over every day.