Vulnerability

I've been contemplating and praying about the idea of "vulnerability" lately. I think this is something that God is stirring up for me to consider. I've just found myself hearing about it in prayer in lots of different ways...here's a few:

• Told a friend of mine that I felt the Lord wanted her to be vulnerable in her joy surrounding her new baby.... to me this might mean --sharing your heart with others, exposing yourself in your joyful state, not concealing it or acting as though it is less than it is...
• I ended up teaching via video for this class I'm doing and a major point was about how God requires boldness and/or vulnerability from us when we are dealing with acting-in-faith and following his Spirit.
• I got an evaluation form from someone in my class at Crossroads that said "I haven't been able to understand what Alli has been saying." And it hit me in a vulnerable place -- in a fear that I have that my words and thoughts are too much and confusing to others. The whole evening after that I just felt vulnerable and touchy.

Vulnerability to me could also look like having an actual opinion about something. Deciding how I feel about something and communicating that reasoning is vulnerable for me. I feel like that opens me up to be disagreed-with, told to 'take a hike,' finding out I'm just plain wrong, feeling stupid or opening myself up to be rejected by someone else who doesn't appreciate me or understand my heart. In essence, refraining from opinions is a form of self-protection. And definitely not a vulnerable place for me to be.

I'm a long-time phone avoider with acquaintances, co-workers, cold callers, people whose numbers I don't recognize on the caller ID...(basically anyone except good friends and a couple family members). I think, in part, because it's vulnerable. What if they ask me something I'm not prepared to answer? Geee.....why don't I just try saying "I can't answer you on that and here's why!"

God has been trying to move me out of this place in my past where I understood what everyone else was thinking or where they were before I expressed an opinion. Even if I went ahead with a strong opinion, I'd assessed the risk. This is inauthentic and, at worst, manipulative (even if I didn't have that intent). I think God is after me to just be open and vulnerable. Risk rejection from others and come to Him to receive my fill.

Even writing this is vulnerable for me, because it feels exposing. Our masks tend to keep us in denial. The less vulnerable we are, the less we have to face the potential consequences of failure or rejection. And the more we can believe that we can make it on our own. Join me in saying -- this is CRAP.

God - I repent of self-protection, denial and avoidance. I repent of trying to keep myself out of harm's way and avoid being rejected. I know this is a false way to live life and you are the only Protector. I know you fully receive me even when I'm wrong. I know you love me more fully than I know how to receive. I know in my efforts to remain closed, I have cut off real relationships from going further and you from working. I take responsibility for this and ask you to lead me out of it. Bring me opportunities to be vulnerable and help me take them with your leading. But don't leave me! I need you! I'm scared to be in vulnerable places without you.